Other Reviews
| By: peterwd |
Definitely an interesting beginning, shows off your talent at pulling someone in. But without a little more about where the story is going, I'm not totally hooked.
Perhaps add a bit more about the story trajectory to really sink the hook. Good Luck.
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| By: Grumpy |
Great reading but no hook. The only clue is "Twenty months ago..." There doesn't seem to be a reason or point to this accident which is a closed incident. We need something from the narrator after "Twenty months ago..." like, "It began with the end."... |
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| By: mujo |
Hard to know how to rate this one. You know it's not a whole story – which begs the question: why did you post it at all? I know you were asking if there was something that would hook me into reading further, but this is a lame excuse. Every time you write something – whether it gets posted at writerspub or not – you’re putting yourself out there, exposing yourself to the judgement of others. This is simply the nature of writing – like it or leave it. (I noticed you posted another story with a similar author’s note / caveat at the beginning. I hope this is not going to be a regular thing with you.) In short - give me the whole story or don't waste my time.
But, after all of that, you did post something, and are asking for feedback, so here it is. First, to the positive. Your writing is good. Clean. Descriptive. Visual. The image of this floating island, bobbing and shifting, came across very well. As did the party feeling. Likewise for the description of her death. All nicely done.
After this point it’s hard to say which elements are important to the story and which not. We don’t know much about this dead girl other than she’s sassy and blond. If she’s at all important to the ongoing story – other than being dead – we wouldn’t know it. We don’t even know her name until the very last word of the piece.
In accounting for how she came to fall between two boats and die – namely that she was drunk – you’ve been a little heavy-handed. You’ve repeated any number of timest that everyone was drinking, that the boats were in constant motion, that everyone was drinking, that the boats were in constant motion, that everyone was drinking, that the boats were in constant motion. It’s fine now, thanks. Then you’ve gone to some pains to explain how no-one saw her die – the cat fight. Again, a little too much elaboration to say something very straightforward.
How about this for a suggestion – say everything you want in this opener with half the number of words. Better still – say it all in one paragraph. You want me to read on, you want to make an impact – condense everything. Evaporate all the excess water until only the resin remains. I might not like the taste of this residue (personal preferences are just that) but I sure as hell will pay attention to it.
Last thing. And I’m only giving you this because I think you’ll understand what I’m talking about. The narrative of this piece – while clean and effective – lacks personality. There’s kind of a feeling between you and the events, you and your characters, that’s a touch too clinical. Yes, it’s descriptive, but also – quite noticeably – heartless.
I’d like to see the rest of this. (The single star rating is for it being a decent beginning, but only that – a beginning.)
Cheers.
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Date: 08-14-2009 04:39 pm
Score:
I enjoyed reading this; there's some fine writing; the party atmosphere is created well and the paragraph concerning Kat's death is particularly impressive.
Two constructive crits: I got a bit piqued by 'island'. As a suggestion use island of boats or boat island without the quotes? Just a personal thing, that one.
The other thing is, although I wanted to read on to the end, there's not much left to make me turn the page after the last line: The catfight happens and we know why; Kat's dead and we know why. (Perhaps she could have regained her balance but fell in to attract attention, don't know if she's dead or not till later?) I'm not sure; enough to say that this is such a good piece of writing but it all ties up neatly at the end without any loose ends to want to discover. Hope I've explained myself properly here...
