DO-IT-YOURSELF GIFTS
by Paul Quade

 

INT.  LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

GUY is sitting on couch reading newspaper and GAL walks into room carrying gifts.

 

GAL

Hi honey.  I know it’s early, but I’m so excited.  Can we exchange gifts now?

 

GUY

Oh!  Ok.  I just think it’s so great you came up with this do it yourself gift idea and we didn’t go all commercial this year.

 

GAL

And besides, I already have everything I need. I have you.  I think you’re going to like yours.

 

GAL (CONT’D)

Oh honey, open yours first!

 

 

GUY

Oh... uh... it’s a...

 

GAL

I tore the house apart and found the sweater I wore on our first date, and selected colors of fabric from it that represented the color theme from our wedding; indigo and burnt chocolate brown and spent the last three months taking a knitting class to crochet this gorgeous coffee mug cozy!

 

GUY

Oh my god!  I love this.

 

GAL

You do?

 

GUY

Sweetie, we’re so close.   It’s like we’re sharing the same brain!  Open yours!

 

 

GAL

Oh!  It’s a... sock?

 

GUY

Or a beer cozy!

 

GAL

But sweetie, I don’t even drink beer.  I wouldn’t know what to do with it.

 

GUY

Well, go to the kitchen, get me a beer and I’ll show you how to use it!

 

GAL

Uh, that’s ok.  Why don’t we just open our next one.

 

GUY

OK, OK.  Open yours first this time!

 

GAL

Oh, it’s your iPod!  Thank you sweetie.  I know how much you love your play list of Flock of Seagulls.  If I have this how are you going to listen to it now?

 

GUY

It’s ok, I already transferred it to my new one.

 

GAL

You got a new iPod?

 

GUY

It’s just that the salesman looked so... sad.  Probably single and during the holidays too and I’m a giver.

 

GAL

Uh...  ok...  um...  here.

 

 

GUY

Wow!  What’s in this?

 

 

GAL

It’s a scrap book of all the places we’ve gone and things we’ve done.  Movies ticket stubs, matchbooks from restaurants we ate at, photos from our vacation in Aruba.  Look; petals I pressed from that first rose you gave me.  And here’s the napkin you wrote I love you on while we were eating on our honeymoon.

 

GUY

Wow!  That’s amazing!  That you kept...  all...  that...  junk.

 

GAL

What?!  Junk!  That’s our life together!

 

GUY

Oh!  Right, yeah.

 

 

GUY (CONT’D)

There’s still more gifts right?

 

GAL

More?!  You’re freaking lucky I don’t take your head off right now.

 

GUY

What?  No!  I mean, it’s stuff I would think is junk but you kept it and it’s great...  for you.

 

 

GAL

(fuming)

Oh.  Ok.  Well, why don’t I give you your last gift?

 

 

GUY

That’s great!  I’ve been looking for that remote.

 

GAL

Here!

 

 

GUY

Great throw honey.  Go long.

 

 

GAL

Screw you!  Where’s my gift?!

 

 

GUY

Honey.  I think this whole do it yourself thing was a great idea.

 

GAL

Really?

 

GUY

You put so much time and effort into this and I just wanted to let you know how much thought I put into this too.  The last one is really big.

 

GAL

Ok... 

 

GUY

I think this will make it all better.

 

GAL

Honey...  what did you get me?

 

GUY

Viagra.

 

GAL

(screaming)

Viagra?  Do it yourself!

 

FADE OUT.