Forgotten Memories (intro-part 3.1)
by Kristen Pufpaff

Intro

I sit here, writing in hopes to come to a conclusion. To find an explanation of the events that unfolded once my mind remembered the past. I hope to find something, anything. At this point in time, I have nothing but time and time is meaningless to me now.

I always thought something was different about me. Don't get me wrong, I am in no way conceited. I always thought I could do anything I put my mind to. Maybe it was the way my parents raised me. How they always pushed me to do better and try anything once. How they always told me like it was, never really sugar coating it. Even though I always thought I could do whatever I put my mind to, I also hand a sinking feeling I would die young. With this sinking feeling, what would be the point in trying? Would you get a college education knowing you would die on your way to your graduation ceremony? Would you still date the man of your dreams knowing he would die a month before your 5th wedding anniversary? I do not have the luxury to know my fate, I am not psychic, but what I do know is that this feeling is overwhelming.

I grew up in a typical family; father, mother, dog and daughter. We were always happy. I remember that. I remember being happy, I remember feeling loved, but I also remember feeling like something was different. Not exactly a bad different, but something I could not understand. I have a great memory in regards to my past, but there are parts of my past I cannot remember. Parts that are completely blank, days, months, even years, all gone. As I grew older, I wondered if I erased traumatic events in hopes to keep me sane. Did my parents shelter me in a way in which I didn't even notice? I mean, when one is sheltered do they even know?

It was a few years ago when I started to remember parts of my life. Parts of my life I chalked up to being boring times in my life, a place to store enjoyable events to come. As the events I started to remember felt like dreams. I could not have possibly lived through them, experienced them, let alone chose to forget them. Were all of these past events something I stored away knowing they would help me in the future? Or were they coming out to settle the feeling or dying young? I guess, only time will tell.

 1.1 Dreams: Self-Realization

I realize you do not know me. I understand you may not even care, but I am writing in hopes someone understands what is happening. What is going on once these memories started to unravel. To know you blocked out past events for some reason, to only have them coming rushing back, what would you do? Would you let those memories drive you insane, would you seek medical help, would you call the police? I do not think there is a correct answer in my case, and this is why.

The first set of memories came to me in dreams. Such vivid dreams I wrote them down directly after waking. I have had dreams before, even vivid dreams, but this time they felt different. I would fall asleep on the couch and wake in my bed; clothes changed and tucked in snug. Yes, I could have done it and no remembered, but something felt different. Something felt out of place, something felt so wrong. After this happened for a few days, I did not fall asleep on the couch anymore, I forced myself into bed no matter how tired I was. That is when I started to realize something was going on.

The dreams started as soon as I closed my eyes. I would lay my head down onto my pillow, close my eyes and a different life unfolded. Though this may sounds cliché, there was a movie playing in my head and projecting onto my eye lids for me to see. As soon as I opened my eyes, the movie stopped. I tried to tell myself that it was all do to stress. That is was my bodies way of dealing with the real world by means of a different life in sleep.

1.2 Oleanders

The first life that unfolded was of a young girl. She was dressed in pink and playing outside. There was a sense of happiness there that I had never witnessed. She played outside as if her life was so perfect. In the distance was a swing, some trees and other children playing. I could smell the Oleander blossoms as if I was there. The flowers were everywhere, so pretty and pink like her dress. When she ran her blond hair moved like the ocean. She was playing with her parents, swinging back and forth on the swing, laughing. Her parents seemed so happy as well. The phone rang.

I startled awake. Dream interrupted. As I talked on the phone, the smells of the Oleanders were still in my nose. I ended the conversation and quickly drifted back to sleep. This time it was darker than before. The happiness was gone. In the dream I looked for the little girl, for her parents, for the park and for the swings. I could not see anything. The darkness had taken over, coldness had stepped in. I felt as if I was being watched, stalked, sought after. I could hear voices in the distance, talking. They seemed happy so I tried to follow the voices. I came across a door and pressed my ear up against it, listening. The people inside were laughing and a little girl was laughing as well. I tried to look in the window next to the door, but I was unable to see inside.

My mind raced, how did I go from a wonderfully happy place to such a cold and dark location. Why were the people behind the door happy, yet I could not see inside. I tried to wake, but I could not. I started screaming, it all seemed too real. All I wanted was to get out of the darkness. Out of the cold and into the happiness I could hear. I screamed and screamed, no one could hear me. Why couldn't anyone hear me? Why could I not wake up? Why was my own mind turning on me?

I continued to scream while searching for a way in, hoping I would just wake up. I started in a dream and ended in a nightmare. I ran around what I can only assume was a house, feeling ahead of me, wishing to find a way in. All of a sudden it was light again; the little girl was playing with her family. The happiness was back and I awoke in my bed, holding an Oleander blossom in my hand.

1.3 It was a dream, only a dream

Waking with an Oleander in my hand, how on earth is that even possible? Had I slept walked? I mean, there are Oleanders outside. But this one was so pink, so perfect, and so magnificent. The flowers outside were nothing like this, in fact, I had never seen an Oleander look so perfect.  I quickly placed the Oleander in some water; hoping reality would set in quickly. My dream was still so vivid in my mind. The smells, the feelings, and more importantly the Oleander now sitting in water were burned into my memory.

I grabbed the phone; maybe my mother could shed some insight. We talked about life, about what was new and then about my dream. I was hoping she would be able to tell me of something in my early childhood that was similar to my dream, some kind of reasoning as to why that dream felt so real. I explained to her the dream. I explained to her about the little girl in pink. I explained to her about the family being so happy and feeling that happiness while entranced in the dream. As I went on, she had no input to give. She said I never had a pink dress and that we never lived or visited a park like the one I explained. Right as I was about to chalk it up to just your standard dream, I mentioned smelling Oleanders.

There was silence. I checked my phone to see if I had lost the connection. I called to her, to only have her choke and tell her she had to get to a meeting for work. I asked her if she knew something about this Oleander smell and she reassured me it was all just a dream. I mean, she was my mother, who else would know about my childhood than her. She was my flesh and blood, my mother, and my friend. We said our goodbyes and ended the conversation.

I am just over reacting. I have slept walked before and it was the only logical explanation to what had happened. I then became worried about my safety. Previously when I slept walked; I was living at home where someone else could make sure I stayed safe. Now I was living alone, in a house, surrounded by people I did not know. I had my dog and my cat, but come on, what were they really going to do but maybe follow me out the front door. I decided I would set up obstacles around the house, something I would trip over on my way to the door. I also decided I would set up my web cam during sleep. This would definitely help me give a logical explanation to the flower being in my hand.

I had already wasted enough time on this. I was once again over reacting to something that would be so easily solved. By this time tomorrow, I would be worry free and chalk it all up to crazy dreams and maybe eating the wrong foods right before bed.

1.4 Dark Laughter