Action - the Dream of every Planet is to become a Sta by jeRRy whaLLey G      12 comments      549 views    Tags:    Date Published: 02-28-2009

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Barry Thimble

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the Dream of every Planet is to become a Sta
by jeRRy whaLLey


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Review By: Barry Thimble

I see this piece as a very early draft. This piece needs a lot of work, and direction. Once you master that, it will be an excellent piece. Also, I noticed that the genre of this piece is under action. I would put under a romance. The poem also does a lot of explaining. Rather than explain, show and describe. Also, I would read up on some Poe and Shakespeare for some ideas on the verbiage needed for the piece.


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the Dream of every Planet is to become a Star

The R in star is cut off from the tittle. Unless your from California, then you would be a "STA!"

A Story by jeRRy whaLLey

'from stars we come, to stars we shall return' ...

 

 

 

You are a fragment of Nature's urge in the Land you are born

to. You reflect the land you were grown from and more so you

are a fractally flawed and perfect vehicle of all that is.

Define the pronoun you. Pronouns are made only in cases of repeating a noun. Introduce an introductory paragraph that "explains" the characters of your piece, and the setting

 

Somewhere, an ancient voice sounded from a time when this

land was peopled by the various red nations, a time when the

white nations first gathered on her shores. That voice told

of how it would take several generations for the land to

change these new people. That the land would mould them for

whatever evolutionary urges the land would require. That

time is now ... these new caretakers come from all the

colours of the Medicine wheel. It is you and me ...

The ancient voice is irrelevant to piece, and need not be added. If you insist on keeping it, provide a purpose of this "characters", as if it were a guide.

 

I was musing about the 'cultural hybrids' that make up the

melting pot of peoples here. Watching all the differences

melting pot and 'cultural hybrids' is a redundant sentence, don't state the goal of the sentence twice.

with my mind, following the threads of history each 'hybrid'

carries in their DNA and level of consciousness. Each person

is a bridge, from a place, a people and a past.

Your piece uses both elements of science and nostalgic ways. You may mix them together if you work on its transition. However, keep it in the same tone, especially for a short piece.

 

Then, I watched them with my Heart, with eyes Divine. As the

I noticed your capitalization, it is not needed. If you must accent words in a sentence, use Iambic Pentameter, or a similar structure.

Heart does not 'differentiate', I was able to see how each

and everyone fulfills Natures purpose, whether or not they

are aware of it.

 

Natures garment is a pliant organic layer of roiling change

like a gossamer web of interlaced lights of Love and Joy;

that is you and me ...

Again, the poem needs a romantic feel to it. Your defining the times between the two characters, but the piece necessitates a defining background to get the audience attracted.

 

Change is the primary motivation of Nature, roiling with

how does it change, why?

incessant urges to sparkle in a new way and for a brief

instant become amazed at this Beautiful moment; yet She

lingers not as She is vast and pregnant with Loves many

children to come.

 

Nature does not differentiate, She proliferates diversity in

a multifarious spontaneous Joy. Distinctions like race will

always become revised and experimented with by Her, with Her

Don't use pronouns anymore! lol

goal and not ours, as the longing pressure to evolve. She

sees Stars!

 

Monoculture and homogeneity are dead ends and Nature is

I see random words looked up in the the source, spice up your other words to match the lexicon you have selected for the piece.

fractal in her motivations and experiments of which we as

Human kind are only a part. She will design with various

intelligent evolutionary perspectives as Her decision tree

is always interconnected with ‘all that is'.

 

The ‘goal’ is part Art and Part Science and part

Spirituality. Sometimes She produces amazing creatures whose

only part to play is a brief flowering of Beauty, a

temporary bliss like a sigh exhaled in proclamation of awe.

At other times She creates what seems like Monsters whose

only purpose is to ravage complacent aspects like dead limbs

to be recycled for future births.

 

She is plain and simple and in plain sight yet we do not see

Her nor revere Her wondrous dance enough. She loves when we

respond in change with her organic symphony. Dancing with

Her in sympathetic vibration to Her Loving song of longing.

 

Nature chose us as the mediums of change it wants to become.

We are a thin organic layer upon the face of the earth. As

the Earth's consciousness evolves and changes so does our

own. Inter illuMentated. Each of us is a synaptic impulse

transmuting cosmic energies into the stuff the Earth can

use. Each, a bridge of energy transforms, dancing in ways

the Land realizes, in its march towards the goal; evolution

towards a Star!

 

What does not Dance in change withers and rots, recycled, to

feed all of Her newborn; it is a Loving spontaneously

beautiful Dance like when the Heart and Mind are

passionately fired in creative synchrony bursting with ideas

and the joy to express them in Artistic majesties; She is

brilliant with you and I.

 

Colour or Race are only a part of Her palette of creativity.

Ah, I see your a Brit. Cheerio! I really enjoy the accent of the British take on the language, you could use that in your writing to your advantage.

She will blend Dark and Light attributes to suit Her goals

and we must parlay with Her veritable language of Love with

tolerance for the various designs She has wrought. We can

only understand Her when we become identical to Her, i.e.,

plain and simple in tune with Her song of change.

 

For example, I see a Poet as a way of being plain and

Never insult your reader by explaining something to them, rather show them.

simple, in tune with Nature; as one who 'speaks' with the

Heart. Where his words are imbued with potential; acting as

agents of change. He is a Mystic, making language a catalyst

of creation. Singing a prayer with Heartfelt words, igniting

Grace to action. A Poet shows us the magical all that is;

where Beauty echoes through all things, like Natures

laughter in a flower. He is a Mystic in communion with the

'Eternal Present' where no past ever compelled, nor future

beckoned! They teach us that we are each a miracle; a song

of Love, where sorrow and joy, laughter and tears, are

lyrics and notes in an awesome symphony of Creation ... Her

joyous song of change!

 

We are 'meaning makers', and choose thusly what is of value

in our lives. We are 'Magicians' and can compel even

'creation' to move by our 'will'. But the 'Mystic', the Poet

is plain and simple; Beauty and Truth is an organic

'Alchemical' treatise written on his 'Heart' with an

'elixir' of prayers revelling in 'Bliss', revealing Reality:

the true 'Gold'. A joyous urge of Nature singing and dancing

Her longing song of Love! So, who will you in Joy and Love

become today!! She wants to see each and all of Her children

Sing in Awe and Wonder. Do you hear Her? She is singing even

now! I'm dancing ...

 

As we are the Lands Agents of Change, we all have purpose

and are connected to her. Even in death, we are utilized for

the stuff we transmuted while living; recycled and born

again. Then, as the Land Aspires to become a Star, (the

Dream of every Planet is to become a Star), we shall all

transcend in that blissful transmutation ... dust to dust,

each mineral born of Cosmic forces, the furnace of Stars;

from Stars we come, to Stars we shall return ...

 

"In the light of Cosmic time, both great and small are

extinguished by that infinity, yet it remains important that

we create, explore and evolve with the courage of a Loving

Heart."

 

 

 

The Green Man

 

As above, so in you the light, the warmth, the sky of blue

and in the darkest of the nights the Stars that sparkle as

they do...

 

His language of the Birds, his secular tongue, while silence

is his noble one, arise from a living soul within his Heart,

and washes simple throughout his Art...

 

This then is what we can say of Art, that it is born of the

Heart of Wonder, which blooms as leaf in where we ponder,

and bears the fruit for all to eat,  ambrosia, Divinely

sweet...

 

... this Alchemy of Awe, that sweetest sap, that runs from

roots within my chest, and seeps to branch and leaves of

Wonder, to where it is that I still ponder ... is let to

this pen and writes with words of Love on wings of letters

to your eyes reflecting all the world ...